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Arghhhh.....I had just finished typing what was to me a moving paragraph but my stupid finger clicked something that made my intro to my new blog disappear. And what makes it even more frustrating is now I have to start all over and attempt at writing something just as meaningful which is difficult because it seems to be a lot harder the second time around...at least that is for me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not a good writer. I'm a much better orator. However, I find myself currently alone and left to my thoughts and for me that's not necessarily a good thing. I could simply pick up the phone and vent to one of my friends. However, I think I have exhausted all my listening ears with the same problem that has been plaguing my mind for the past few months. And as much as I want to believe they aren't sick of hearing me talk about it....I know they are because I never seem to take advice very well. But I guess that's because I don't tell my problems hoping to receive life-changing advice. Instead I share my thoughts because I just want to get it out there in hopes that once it's out there I could stop thinking about it. Unfortunately for the past few months no matter how much I talk about it and get it out there, I can't seem to get over it. And that just SUCKS (for lack of a better word).

Now to the problem at hand…last night I had the most surreal dream. In my dream the man, who has been on my mind, surprised me at my house during a family party. And in his true fashion he left almost as soon as he appeared and left me wanting to run after him and stop him. But of course I did not and I watched him drive away. I wish that he'd really show up but I know that will never happen. I mean this is just horrible. Not only is he on my mind when I'm awake, but he's on my mind when I'm asleep. And the funny thing is I'm one those individuals who likes to overanalyze everything and in this case I wonder what my dream meant. As I mentioned he left and I did nothing to stop him, which is funny because I used to do that in reality. I say used to because about a couple of weeks ago I decided to walk away from the relationship because I thought that was the best thing for me. And in hind sight I'm almost positive that it was the right decision. However, a part of me still longs to be around him and I want so badly to see or hear from him. But like my dream I will not do anything to stop him from leaving my life and he will simply disappear from my life completely. Sadly, I wish he would disappear a lot quicker because my thoughts of him have been driving me crazy.

When I say driving me crazy....I am not exaggerating. I have never really been burned by anyone in my entire life (that is referring to romantic relationships) but he has BURNED me! And the twisted part of the whole situation is I walked away not him. He actually wanted to stick around and maintain our emotionless relationship but I couldn't seem to put my emotions aside, which leads me to the question I posed in my previous blog. I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to my romantic relationships it is IMPOSSIBLE to toss aside the feelings that I have developed for an individual. Since my last blog I have told "the man" that I wished to end the relationship, then managed to let him talk me out of it and forced myself to believe that I could do this, and finally two weeks ago cut him off completely because I was just at my wits end. The funniest part about it all is it ended after an amazing night. We went out with a couple of friends and we had such a great time that I did not want the night to end. However, half way through the amazing evening I was doused with the sad reality that I meant nothing to him. And for lack of better and much more tasteful words...I was simply an easy f@ck which was a difficult concept for me to swallow because it came out of his mouth. I mean, he didn't say it to me directly but he was giving advice to my friend about guys and how they are "just not that into you" and if they were into you they'd exhaust all their powers to make it known. So, half way through my wonderful evening I had been dealt a crucial blow to my heart and my ego. I knew that he would never care for me. Now that's just hard to admit, but I know I need to deal with it. Even now I feel my heart shrinking and my mind wondering how I let it get to this point. For the first time I'm admitting it out loud but I fell for him! Oh my gosh....I actually fell for him. How is that possible I still don't know. I'm baffled at myself for allowing this to happen. But like I told my friends, this is payback for all the people I've hurt in the past. So now, as I mentioned, I am left to my thoughts and only half the day has come to an end.

A good friend told me that having a blog is great to release the unspoken thoughts and feelings that I have. So here it goes...my very first attempt at opening up to anyone who comes across this.

Blank. Absolutely nothing. I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes and I can’t put a sentence together that’s worth reading. My thoughts are jumbled…and yes…my thoughts revolve around the idea of relationships. Sadly…and I hate to admit it…my thoughts are not about the inauguration of Obama as president. Although as a college graduate and aspiring elementary school educator the issues of the new President of the United States should be of top priority…I can’t help but think about my doomed relationship with a certain individual who will remain unnamed. I guess the question that’s been plaguing my mind is “why do we maintain relationships with individuals with whom the future seems bleak?” These types of relationships have their aliases such as FTFs, FWBs, f@ck buddies…the list goes on.

Disappointment. That is the overall consensus among the people that know my situation. They don’t agree with my actions and want desperately for me to walk away. But I can’t help it. I feel like a mosquito who is attracted to the bright light and although I know it’s going to zap my dumb ass I can’t help but continue to go toward it. For the past month I have been trying to convince myself that I am a strong individual who can put my feelings aside and be in an emotionless relationship. But like a dumb mosquito…I have hope that there is a possibility I will not get burned in the end. I’ve come to two main reasons why I stick around and I’m not sure if this applies to how all women think. Number one, I stick around because in a bizarre way I want to prove that I could get someone like him to like someone like me. It is definitely an issue of my ego. We are so different that it intrigues me to see if we could be anything more. And number two, and more importantly, I have developed actual feelings for this guy. A friend told me that it is impossible to have this type of relationship for over a month because at some point someone begins to develop feelings. So for me it’s been three months…does that mean I’m doomed?!? Sadly, I believe I am doomed. The depressing part about it though is I allow myself to believe that I can continue this relationship and at some point lose these feelings that have grown within me. But I don’t think that is possible. Another question related to the topic at hand that I’ve been asking myself is “can feelings that have already developed be easily tossed aside when it has been addressed by both parties and agreed upon that nothing more will come of it?” I guess that is a question I will save for my upcoming blog.

I guess that’s enough for now. That was pretty liberating. Until next time…